Making friends in Seattle: These local groups skip past small talk
Published by the The Seattle Times on February 2, 2024
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Making friends in Seattle: These local groups skip past small talk
Think about someone you spent time with recently. What, if anything, made you feel closer to them?
On an icy cold Thursday night in January, about 30 people are gathered around wooden tables in the warmly lit Fremont Abbey Arts Center, calling out responses to that prompt: Setting a boundary. Going to a concert together. Admitting I needed their help.
As the all-ages group of mostly strangers keeps popcorning their experiences, friendship coach Alexandra Friedman, the host of this Connection Feast event, writes each response on a giant notepad at the front of the room.
This group brainstorm kicks off an evening of activities around the night’s theme: making closer friendships by being vulnerable. Over about two hours, the “Feasters” practice answering generic questions such as “How long have you been in Seattle?” in more interesting and personal ways, observe each other’s body language and discuss the situations that feel the most vulnerable to them, from falling in love to being bad at something.
Though the room is filled with new faces — Friedman encourages people to come by themselves — the relaxed, familiar-feeling chatter that lingers as the event closes might lead one to think the group has known each other for quite a while.
That’s part of the goal, Connection Feast founder Friedman said: for participants to dig into meaningful conversations and practice relational skills such as vulnerability, all while feeling like they’re just “going to a friend’s house on a Sunday night.”
Friedman considers Connection Feast, which holds regular gatherings in Seattle and online, to be part of a growing social wellness movement. Along with other local groups, it’s aimed at helping people get past surface-level interactions to build deeper relationships.
The World Health Organization has included social well-being — the quality of our social support networks — in its definition of health as far back as the 1940s. But the concept has gained more attention in recent years, with Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issuing an advisory on loneliness in the U.S. last year.
Murthy and other experts stress that our social lives have a big impact on our health, from emotional well-being to risks of heart disease, stroke and dementia.
A lot goes into social wellness: Cultural attitudes and the opportunities around us to connect with people play a big role, said psychologist and University of Washington researcher Mavis Tsai, but individuals can “greatly improve” their relationships with important skills like self-awareness, setting and respecting boundaries, and validating others’ experiences.
In Seattle, a city with a reputation for feeling standoffish, several groups — including Connection Feast and the local chapter of Skip the Small Talk — are leading a charge toward social wellness, with events that bring people together for meaningful conversations.
Hungry for connection? Head to a “Feast”
After emerging from COVID-19 restrictions, Micah Seppanen, a Seattleite from the Midwest, was trying to expand his social circle beyond the Dungeons & Dragons group he often relied on for camaraderie. But with a remote job and without the church connections he’d once had back home, meeting new faces wasn’t coming naturally.
So, he started searching through Meetup. Seppanen found a Connection Feast event about a year ago and felt intimidated by going alone — but as soon as he lined up to enter the live event, folks started chatting with him, which already “felt different than a lot of places in Seattle,” he said. His nerves dissipated as the first activity started and he realized that everyone there shared his interest in connection.
People find themselves at the monthly gatherings for all sorts of reasons, Friedman said. Sometimes it’s folks looking for their next best friend, wanting to learn more about themselves or just tired of small talk and craving a night of deeper conversation.
At January’s Feast, discussions ranged from childhood experiences to dreams for the future, met with many understanding nods, snaps of appreciation and sometimes well-intended laughter. A man in his 30s talked about the pressure to settle down and a woman spurred some giggles while discussing how she makes the best art while on her period. A sudden hush fell over the room when an older man choked up while talking about the isolation that often accompanies aging in the U.S.
At the end of the night, participants pulled out their phones to join, if they wanted to, the “sugar bowl” — an online space that helps attendees stay in touch after the event.
Feasts are created to be a safe space for meaningful conversations, but also to share people skills and create new bonds that will extend beyond the event, Friedman said.
Her hope is that when people walk out the door, they’ll “feel closer to themselves so they can feel closer to other people, every day.”
For Seppanen, Connection Feast is one support on a journey to branch out socially and manage his fear of rejection, he said. Lately, he’s noticed he’s become more confident when messaging people on dating apps and has an easier time not getting “tied up in the rejection” when something doesn’t work out. Though showing up to his first Feast was nerve-wracking, “there’s no love in life without risk,” he said. “That’s been a big lesson for me.”